[Tuesday] [ mood | content ] [ music | hurricane - Something Corporate ] So i haven't used this thing in a while so i guess i'll skip the entire school year, though it was full of all sorts of crazy things and start with this summer. i might as well start again, cause friends aren't always there to listen, but "journal" isn't going to start on a rant in the middle of my own. it's been beautifully hot. i love this weather, it always puts me in a good mood. i've decided though there's definatly not enough time to get everything done... it's quite ridiculous. i'm excited to volunteer tonight in the hospital, especially since i've been assigned to the Emergency Room. i'm pretty upset with a certain friend of mine though, i've been there for her EVERYTHING i mean all of it, things her friends of longer wouldn't put up with, and when i'm having an issue she just walks away in the middle of my talking, because apparently my problems aren't as important as hers, whatever. down to the core reason i restarted this thing, to talk about boys. last summer it was boyS, for now it's BOY. at least while he's here. it's not fair that finally when i found someone i really really really liked, he just up and leaves. i mean i understand, he misses his family and everything but why now? he "might" be back, but you know it's not that easy and who knows if he's even going to want to? but i love the way he holds me and kisses me and everything about him. i like his stupid accent and the fact that he's always smiling. i love his compliments to. "you're beautiful" "i love you" and "i'll never forget you" as sappy as they are really hit home. and boy is he a good kisser. i love when he'll start kissing my neck, or when he stops kissing me to look at me and smile and whisper something sweet. or just look, both make me really happy. it's sweet the way he'll hold my hand in public and stupid shit like that. i'm just a sucker for this boy. and now he's going back and leaving me here to sulk. he's leaving in July and might be back in october, you never know though. he loves my hair to, he's always playing with it. and better yet not only is he okay with my curvy body, he actually seems to like it. where am i going to find another boy like this? i won't, i just hope this one comes back ... that's all for now, i needed a place to rant about how much i love him and all his ridiculousness. [1] CMNT

[Thursday] how in the hell am i supposed to survive this year. its TOOO MUCH AT ONCE. [1] CMNT

[Thursday] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Upside Down - Jack Johnson ] so school's starting. i am so not ready for it, not just work wise, but mentally too. can i handle going back to school? talk about buzz kill. but it's my junior year so maybe it'll be alright. i want to find some new friends. it's not like i need to replace the old ones, i just want some new ones to. i want to expand, and i also want to change myself, again. i want to learn to remain calmn in all situations, and i want to be able to work things out. i don't know, i don't want to be angry anymore, so i'm giving in and i'm just going to be happy, because i've realized being angry is a waste of time, and the effects usually hurt rather then help. i'm no longer angry and christine, kym, and cat though they desserted me when i needed them the most. it took me a while, but i can forgive them, and i know NEVER to do that to ANYONE. there's no point in hurting some one to prove a precious point. if some one makes a stupid decision it doesn't need to be shoved in their faces. and i know cat may never forgive me, and christine and kym may forgive me but look down on me for a while, but i know what i did was my decision, and i've decided to not regret it and to be thankful. every decision good or bad will teach you something if you just look hard enough. i had an epiphany the other day and have decided to look into the buddhist religion.i know that i might not be able to give up everything, but i'm going to try, because they seem to preach a peace with themselves and their decisions, it's no one elses fault but their own, and i respect that. i also respect that they preach peace and not hurting another living being and to treat people with respect because no one deserves to be treated like dirt. also these days of adventure have been quite exciting, but i think i may be ready to cool down for a little, though i still want to be able to see the world, and experience everything, i might relax for the year, i have a long time to discover things. which brings me to my next point, i don't understand how people don't dream and don't want some sort of adventure, i don't understand homebodies who would take the comfort over discovery. how could you let a big great huge world full of awesome oppurtunities pass you by because of fear. well, it's their decision. i know mine. another thing i'd like to adress is everyone's need for another human being. everyone looks to everyone else for comfort with themselves. i'm not saying having a boyfriend/girlfriend is neccessarily a bad thing, but depending on them to be happy or to be content definatly is. i mean, i like some one, but i couldn't possible imagine depending on them for my own happiness. it sounds so absurd, because then you'll never be happy with yourself. simple things are enjoyable alone, like a nice long walk outside, but how can you enjoy it if your constantly thinking about some one else? even worse, when one turns to another because of habit, i've been there, but had enough self control to break the habit, because it's unhealthy... and i've also decided other cultures fascinate me and i want to know as much about them as possible, i want to open my eyes to the whole wide world, because i'm just one small person in out of millions in one small country out of hundreds, so why not learn as much as possible about everyone else while i'm here. i mean, maybe thats why there's so much war and so much fighting, because of ignorance. ignorance and refusal to learn any better. "oh they're bad because they believe this" that's stupid, learn the other side of the thought. you may not agree with it, but that doesn't mean you have to hate some one else for it. it's the beautiful thing about people, they are all entirely different. another thing i've been pondering lately after i read Looking For Alaska is where do we go after we die. i'd rather not believe we sit cold in the ground. at the end of the book the author goes on a tangent about how matter is neither destroyed or created, and people are not just matter, they're something more, so maybe the something more goes some where else, because it's not just going to dissapear. that's enough of my philisophical bull shit for one day, i feel bad for anyone who actually reads the whole thing. CMNT

[Saturday] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | Why don't you and I? - Nickelback ] so in john's words... what the fuck is going on here?! there was last night when andre made me feel special. haha what kind of guy stops the entire ride to kiss you, huh ? not many, but unfortunatly he'll be going back to brazil sometime soon he was so adorable though. and he promised to teach me portuguese. i can't wait to learn. which reminds me. in the store some customer comes in every day for bread, and every day i say "have a nice day" well today he told me he speaks no english and only polish, boy did i feel like an ass. so i looked up how to say "have a good day" in polish and im going to write it down and give it to him next time he comes into the store. it's "ma dobry dzien" lets hope this translator isnt a fake. then there's matt. nothings going to happen, though he'd probably be the best thing that would happen to me aside from andre. and even if no one else agrees with me, mark. and i'm so proud of ryan for finally not being a freak about some of these things. he's finally calmned down and i can tell him anything now and i love it. oh, and chris. oh chris. why does he do shit like this. now he likes me but doesnt want to do anything, i don't know if i should trust him. he wants to see me, but i don't think i can do it. i think i might freak out... we'll see. anyway who wants to give up the chaos that runs there lives to settle down? i always feel like i'm missing something when i'm wrapped up in a guy, that maybe some one better has passed me by. i look for adventure, i don't know how i feel about "settling down" school doesnt start for another month and i'm already having nightmares. and why is cat attacking me lately? i don't understand. whatever it's all under construction. [1] CMNT

[Saturday] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Indecision - Eagle Eyed Cherry ] today was incredibly insane, and i hope hope hope i find some one like andre in the long term. CMNT

[Thursday] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground ] i'm not even going to talk about guard. i'm so happy for andrea, but i'm jealous and i don't think it was fair but whatever. he was at freedom fest. why. and then why did i text him?! this is going to go down hill reallllly fast. i'm so confused, he keeps comming back, time and again, with out fail. AHASDASLKD. CMNT

[Wednesday] [ mood | confused ] [ music | You're an Ocean - Fastball ] why did he call ? ughhhh. i thought this was done, but the fucker called me. that's totally unfair, because now he's got me confused, again, what else is new? PAIN IN MY ASS. and cat still hates me, but i don't know if it's because of what happened, or maybe it's just something else that goes along with it. i'm not so sure anymore. i will never see ryan again, yuck GROSS. how did i kiss that? and thats all for now i guess. CMNT

[Monday] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Falling in love again - Eagle Eyed Cherry ] i know it's been a while and so much has been going on. i feel like i've been picked up by a whorl wind of trouble, and it seems as though i'm the cause. as soon as we get out of school, it's been quite a few boys and some friendships going down hill. i apologize to everyone for the mess i made. and though we all might not be as close as we were, you guys are very important to me and i feel like a douche, i just didn't think what happened would piss everyone off soo much. but whatever happened happened and all i can do is say sorry. i'm a little tired of my parents and their constant bringing me down. it's as if it's been all hell having me as their child. i'm not skinny enough, smart enough, or motivated enough. i need to care about this that and the other thing. well i don't and thats not going to change. i'm not even going to touch on the subject of boys much other than the fact that ryan (not sharpe) is extremely frustrating, mark was a bad decision, and then there's the random boy i met at great adventure, thats leaving in 3 weeks. Andre is sweet, how ever horrible his english maybe. i'm just going to go with it for now and take it as it comes. there's no point in trying to make decisions, i'll just let them do it for me. no relationships for me, there way to hard. i'm going to take the ashley way of doing things and have more then one kind of boyfriend, it's easier that way. i've been so busy and crazy lately, it makes me happy. i hate beeing bored and sitting still for too long, it's frustrating. i'm excited to go to puerto rico with my cousin's. that should be crazy as anything, haha i'll have more exciting adventures to report in here. it's been an amazing summer, i hope it just gets better. i'm learning to risk a little more, i'm not so afraid of what people think anymore. CMNT

[Sunday] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Save Tonight - Eagle Eyed Cherry ] Sammy got me... Instructions: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your livejournal along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening to. 1. Follow me - Uncle Kracker 2. Space Between - Dave Mathews Band 3. Tide - Spill Canvas 4. Meet Virginia - Train 5. Wonderwall - Oasis 6. Brandy - Looking Glass 7. Save Tonight - Eagle Eyed Cherry i tag 1. Kym 2. Randi 3. Kyrsten haha thats it, i have no friends CMNT

[Thursday] [ mood | angry ] fuck you, fuck everyone. fuck everyone who doesnt think i'm going to get anywhere in life. GUESS FUCKING WHAT! I DONT FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU THINK.. i dont care if your friend, enemy, or family, i don't care for your opinion of me. so fuck you. [2] CMNT

[Sunday] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | Your Boyfriend Sucks - The Ataris ] this weekedn was totally awesome. i loveeeeee those lunatics. not that anyone cares but for my own satisfaction i'm going to sit here and talk about my weekend. friday aryn and jody picked me up, and we went back to her house and i met ducky and clarissa and kat. ducky is freaking awesome. he's so eccentric and random, and definatly no shame there. clarissa is loud and funny too. Kat's laid back but loud. we took clarissa to wawa considering she'd never been to one. eventually jodi and kat left and aryn went to sleep. duckie showed us his makeup and things to that effect. it was fun. saturday jodi, kat and andreee showed up in the morning we packed our shit and left for the Relay for Life. we set up the tent, and like good kids helped some one else set theres up to. we're nice. i fell on my ass in a skirt in the mudd, which was hysterical. they did the opening and me and kat got to jump the fence and off the bleachers onto the track. we screamed for jodi and embarrassed the shit out of her when she had to get her survivors honorary thing. we played with hena most of the day and danced around. we saw people from allentown but i didnt really talk to them. they danced on the table and people were looking at us funny. we all got dressed up because our holiday was halloweenn and ducky, he was wearing this crazy outfit. he had fishnets and short shorts and bat wings and make up. he did everyone's makeup because he owns at doing make up. during the luminaries everyone cried. after it was super super cold so me and andree decided to be one person wrapped in 2 sleeping bags. we did karokee, well ducky and sara did one each and then we did one as a big group. then we got obliterated playing volleyball. later we all went into the tent and just hung out there. we started being loud so some random drunk guy opened our tent door and started yelling. jodi was afraid of shadows so every time she saw one she attacked me. we were up until about 4 and then passed out in the tent. we were up by a quater to 6. we packed up in the freezing cold left, got breakfast, and then went to aryn's. they passed out and andree and i left. i'm going to pass out soon to. later<3 CMNT

[Sunday] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Counting the Stars - Waking Ashland ] lately things have been shakey, but good. i've been just kind of ignoring anything that might get me down, especially my mother. i'm finally comfortable with myself and she just likes to tear me apart. it's cool, i don't care what she thinks anymore. this weekend was pretty good, i worked my ass off. and i have a new coworker, he's pretty cute actually. he caught me watching him though, it was pretty embarassing... "hey jess, you've ever had that feeling some ones watching you?" shittttttt. it was funny though. Cat and Kym hung out together and it seems to be going well. they'll get along i think when we go away. exciting <333333 i saw Christine, Heather, and Cat today. we saw x-men 3. i was totally disappointed with the ending. it was horrible. rouge was not supposed to give up her powers like that!!!!! as for christine, i don't know anymore. things seems alright when we're together, but that fact that we hardly talk anymore unless we're in a group is so wierd. i'll get over it, things change. but other than that things are good, i'm starting to like John more, but i don't think it'll work ever. and i don't want to stir up any uneccessary trouble. maybe i'll just basically party for the summer, relationships can take the backseat. i'll meet new people this summer, hopefully! <3 16 & 20. CMNT

[Monday] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Wonderwall - Oasis ] i had a killer week. i obviously loved thursday on the trip friday i skipped school, but then went to work early, and we did some interesting slave labor. i almost fell out of a frige, and off a ladder. and i got some ASS!! it's been a while since i have, and it put me in such a good mood. i got my adventure, finally. haha it was a little slutty, but who cares?! i had fun and thats all that matters. i went to kyms after and she and kyrsten wouldnt feed me until i told them details, which i did. kym was a little dissapointed, but i was having fun. saturday toni came over, and i hadn't seen her in foreverrrrrrrr. we traded slut stories, and danced to some gangster music <3 i missed her and i'm glad i got to see her sunday my evil little cousins came over, and after a long day of abuse and tanning, kyrsten came over and we sat in the jacuzzi and talked about nothing and everything all at the same time. it was killer today i had a parade, which was alright. i got to see amanda, and aryn <3 she looked soooo happy. i'm happy for her! then i went to shaun's and we talked about everything and i asked him lots of questions, and he was a little more open then usual. it was nice to spend time with an old friend who knows me so well. and now i'm just happy!! CMNT

[Thursday] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Watch The Sky - Something Corporate ] D.C. kicked ass<3 i had a good time, though the musem itself was a bit of a tear jerker. laura and i spent some quality time together, and bought some bracelets and ate sandwiches and sat together on the bus. the hill's were there too, and these two other girls i didn't know. it just rocked. and on the way back we bothered/were bothered by these strange kids. one was just adorable, his name was chaz. pretty sweet name if you ask me. it's the most fun i've had in a while, which is shocking considering i was out of the house at 5:50 and didn't get home til 7:15. Laura needs to learn how to drive, haha she ran a stop sign and almost crashed into the speed limit sign. it made me smile. oh and i got a strange text from kym, which was really from wes, which made me laugh because it was so stupid. "i want to have your babies"... what a dork... i've decided i don't like John like that. we make a good team, and i like hanging out with him, as friends. he seems trust worthy, and he's a sweet kid. i think i'm just going to have fun and not think about things in terms of boyfriends and such. P.S. i'm running for interior vice president, and if that bothers you, i don't care. CMNT

[Monday] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | It's All For You - Sister Hazel ] i heard alex speak for the first time today... he said bye. that kids so adorable! fallon = bastard!!!! one more project and i'm going to scream but i will do well on both of these projects damn it !!!! Lopez = pain in my ass. i hate chem. me = hating everything, but hey what else is new? i'm worried about Kym she seemed a little down and out today. i think it's about her boy, she'll figure it out man. and i hate stupid rumors, especially about parents, i mean there not 16 anymore so why the gossip?! summer's so close and i've never been more grateful. they boy bullshit is starting to calm down. i think i'm getting bored, or maybe i'm just convincing myself of that. i need a new adventure... any one have any suggestions? CMNT

[Tuesday] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Walk Away - Pink ] today has been a long and boring day. first period we actually had to do work. but i OWNED TANYA IN SMASHING. pompeii, haha. anyhow, second period was a killer because it was all research work, that i should be working on now, on the Irish Potato Famine. it was pretty freaking boring. sociology, shockingly, we watched a movie! (sarcasm) and then chem sucked as always, i kind of understand it now, thank god. it gives me such a headache, and it's so boring and hard to pay attention to. i don't think it's me not understanding it so much as it's me not paying attention anymore, which isn't good. though it's only 35 days left. again, same as always i like those 2 stupid kids and i don't know what to do about it, since i'm not comfortable confronting Wes, and John's just out of the question. 35 days and it's over, it's my new mantra. apparently the doctor said i need to do something about relieving stress because it's causing me not to sleep and headaches. so all of you, stop causing me stress, i need to be normal again. i don't know what i'm going to do about my grades either, because they're not so good. i don't think the parents would appreciate a failing grade, and by failing i mean actually failing, not a c. also, this weight issue is starting to take it's toll, and don't start with the "you're not fat" bullshit, because i do need to loose wieght, but hearing it over and over again is driving me a little crazy. but hey what are you going to do but deal with it? so i guess i'll deal with it, but it's not going to be fun or easy. but again THIRTY-FIVE DAYS UNTIL SUMMERRRRRRRR. so maybe some of it will go away, at least thats the hope. over and out. [1] CMNT

[Thursday] [ mood | determined ] [ music | Summer '79 - The Ataris ] i think we all need a break from eachother. but we'll have to wait another month and a half for that. every one needs to open there eyes and see all of whats going on, me included. no one's happy anymore, and that totally sucks. but today was an alright day. rand isn't speaking to anyone really though. she just sits there all miserable looking, and i want to help, but it's not my place anymore. i'm confused though as to what to do about everyone. i'm lonely. but i'll get over it. i need to start working to, haha summer being so close and all i can't seem to pull my shit together. 56 in genocide is totally not cutting it. plus a 77 in chem isn't all to great either. i'll figure it out, i always do. now off to write some current events and such... hopefully things will get better and everyone will stop freaking out. too much stress. i'm going to let it all go though and focus on getting out of highschool. Kym i won't leave you unless it's absolutely necessary, but so far i'm getting by. maybe if i have a clear goal i'll get by a little easier. so close to getting out of here, and boys like John won't matter to me anymore. sweet deal. peace. [3] CMNT

[Tuesday] [ music | Hotel California - Eagles ] once again today i got into trouble for something i didn't do. i'm selfish apparently even though i didn't tell rand for her own good. once again, my plan backfires. what the hell ? i've been trying so hard to help her, and now she's mad at me? i don't understand what i did. i really have tried looking at this situation from her perspective, but i told her i just didn't want to make her upset. so she freaks out?! no randi, i don't like opening up to people if you haven't noticed. no i don't like telling people how i feel. i never really have, and i probably never will. i don't want help, i don't want to be worried about. at least not by you. so please stop worring, stop being dramatic and just do what you want. this arguement has left me screaming "WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?" because i don't understand. so what if i like two guys, that doesn't mean you can't go after which ever one you want. i don't care. take them both if you want as long as you leave me alone!!! i just want peace. and by saying how i feel on a fucking live journal is not fucking stirring shit up. worry about you're own problems, i don't need you to babysit me. thanks for the concern, really, but i can deal with it. it's nice of you to care, but i don't need help with this, it's just boys. and for some reason, i don't freak out about it, because god forbid i want you to be happy and i'll forget about me. cut the shit. i've stopped caring about school, and thats not good, because i could be doing better in chemistry, but i can't seem to pay attention to it for long. i don't know what's going on, and no it's not that i have friends in my class. i've just stopped caring about it, but i still have a month and a half. have any ideas for motivation tell me, i need all the ideas i can get. blah people suck. and so does the chemistry i have yet to do. P.S. Chelsea owes me. CMNT

[Monday] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel ] so there's things going on as usual. shocking no ? well, i want to take this time to be completely honest, even though i don't want to be. i do like john, but i want randi to be happy, i want her to have him. but i still do like him, i don't know though. i think i'm just going to let her go for it. i really just want everyone to be happy, but i feel a little cheated. it's cool though, whatever. the happier everyone is, the less complaining i have to listen to. but the thing is it kind of bothers me when she sits there and talks to me about him and stuff. i want to hear about it and all, but it still does bother me a little. and i do like wes to, don't get me wrong, but it bothers me a little still. i'll get over it eventually, but i felt like maybe if i just admit it, it'll be easier. ...moving on, things have been a little hard with missing my old friends. it's just difficult to balance the allentown kids and the hightstown kids. to be honest my old friends matter more, but i feel trapped. i like the kids at allentown, don't get me wrong, but they're very time consuming and require so much damn attention. it's like they can't breathe with out me reminding them too. i just don't understand what went on when i wasn't around to help everyone function. this is all with the exception of Kym, who i feel is in a similiar predicament in the way of being needed all the time. i need space, and i'm not getting it, and it's making me antsy and cranky, and thats never good. i miss all my old friends and everytime i'm out with these strange people i feel like i'm not quite myself. it's so strange not to be seeing them all the time like i used to. i guess it's a part of growing up, but it sucks. i feel like i owe to my old friends to pay more attention to them, but i can't seem to shake these allentown girls and there issues. i haven't seen anyone is so long. ughhhh. on a brighter note, new quote from work John: "listen, Johnny, if you don't stop harassing Jessica, i'm going to cut your fucking cold cuts in to one big fucking block." Johnny: "there for my wife and kids." John:"well then you can go home and explaing to them that this is what happens when you harass you're fucking staff." they're crazy. peaceeeee. CMNT

[Wednesday] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Save Tonight - Eagle Eyed Cherry ] i've decided officially the people i work with are out of there minds, completely. boys, boys, boys. i feel like thats the main issue lately with everyone. we ALL need to suck it up and do something about it, except Kyrsten, she's actually doing the right thing with Joe, shocking i know. you better keep waiting kyrsten. though, i would like to mention that I agree entirely with Kym, that Joe is bad news. kyrsten, how many times did you call me/kym/chelsea/randi in hysterics over him. you can't stay with some guy who is going to make you cry all the time, because that is not "real love" as you put it. it's horrible, and you're getting hurt, or you will get hurt. he didn't change, i hate to break it to you. so be careful, and keep waiting because you wouldn't want to hurt other, more important (i.e family) people then him... Kym, hun, i know you don't want to confront him, but you're never going to be at peace until you do. that horrible "what if?" question is going to follow you around until you do something. just talk to him, put it out there at least, and see how it goes. i want you to be happy, and i think he might be good for you despite what happened. i must mention too that i'm proud of randi. she's starting to talk more to him, which is good. some one's gaining confidence my dear, and i'm proud. as for the other stuff, it will pass with time. at least it seems to be turning around at this point. as for that kid, i really need to start practicing what i'm preaching and do something about it, but it's hard not knowing whats going on with him. it's irritating that i can't figure him out. hopefully soon... i'd also like to take some time to say that i haven't been seeing some people as much as i should, and i miss you all dearly. i'm sorry if i haven't been around as much, i'm going to try and change that. the next thing is Christine. i haven't seen her in ages, and we're obviously growing apart, but i really don't want that to happen. i miss the way things used to be, but change is inevitable. but is it necessary that this friendship falls apart? i don't know, i was so close with her before, and i just think it's a shame that this is falling apart. not to mention it's so hard to let go of someone you were so close with. i mean she was like my other half, and now i never see her and hardly talk to her. it's making me crazy that i don't know what to do about it. i'm too afraid to say anything because i don't want her mad, but i don't want the friendship to dissolve either. i'm totally lost as to what to do. the most horrible pick up line i've heard used. "if i had known you were the cashier, i would have bought something saltier since you're already so sweet." yuck, any boy uses the pick up line on you, slap them. oh, and have i told anyone lately that i hate chem? yeah, thats cause i do. [6] CMNT

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]